as i sat..

i sat there, numb. drenched in my own clothes, water from the shower head and my own tears. i cried my heart out. reason, unknown. the song keep going on and on in my head. as i sang it out, i felt a knife piercing through my heart. bit by bit. inch by inch. the pain, you can hardly feel. but its taking the life out of me with every strike. as i calm myself down, i feel the slightest bit of emotion that i longed felt.


i cleansed and put on my gear. i feel the ultimate love as i knelt down. i felt so close to Him. i could feel Him. i missed Him. i lifted my head, along with the tears that soaked the prayer mat. all feelings i felt. yet i felt nothing.

as i sat in pain, anxiety, endurance.
as i sat wanting acceptance, love, assurance.

through train..

like a train, it speeds off if you missed it.
im in one, destination unknown.
nervous, yes.
anxiety, yes.
happy, yes.
worried, nope.
loving it, totally.
i dont mind if the train doesnt stop neither do mind if it does.
i love the ride, i love the view, the people i meet, the voices im hearing.
but the things around me makes me want to get off..
i left a life when i board the train, and its running after me..
"do something because you want to," he said.

Enrique Eglesias feat Ciara
Taking Back My Love

Go ahead just leave, can’t hold you, you’re free
You take all these things, if they mean so much to you
I gave you your dreams, ’cause you meant the world
So did I deserve to be left here hurt
You think I don’t know you’re out of control
I ended up finding all of this from my boys
Girl, you’re stone cold, you say it ain’t so,
You already know I’m not attached to material

I’d give it all up but I’m takin’ back my love
I’m takin’ back my love, I’m takin’ back my love
I’ve given you too much but I’m takin’ back my love
I’m takin’ back my love, my love, my love, my love
My love..

Yeah
What did I do but give love to you
I’m just confused as I stand here and look at you
From head to feet, all that’s not me
Go ‘head, keep the keys, that’s not what I need from you
You think that you know (I do), you’ve made yourself cold (Oh yeah)
How could you believe them over me, I’m your girl
You’re out of control (So what?), how could you let go (Oh yeah)
Don’t you know I’m not attached to material

I’d give it all up but I’m takin’ back my love
I’m takin’ back my love, I’m takin’ back my love
I’ve given you too much but I’m takin’ back my love
I’m takin’ back my love, my love, my love, my love
I’d give it all up but I’m takin’ back my loveI
’m takin’ back my love, I’m takin’ back my love
I’ve given you too much but I’m takin’ back my love
I’m takin’ back my love, my love, my love, my love

So all this love I give you, take it away, (Unh, uh huh)
You think material’s the reason I came, (Unh, uh huh)
If I had nothing would you want me to stay (Unh, uh huh)
You keep your money, take it all away

I’d give it all up but I’m takin’ back my love
I’m takin’ back my love, I’m takin’ back my love
I’ve given you too much but I’m takin’ back my love
I’m takin’ back my love, my love, my love

I’d give it all up but I’m takin’ back my love
I’m takin’ back my love, I’m takin’ back my love
I’ve given you too much but I’m takin’ back my love
I’m takin’ back my love, my love, my love
I’d give it all up but I’m takin’ back my love
I’m takin’ back my love, I’m takin’ back my love
I’ve given you too much but I’m takin’ back my love
I’m takin’ back my love, my love, my love, my love
Ooh, my love
Ooh, my love

ridiculous minds

those eyes.
sends an emotion so foreign to me.
numb my being, my feelings.
my mouth spoke no words.
my body showed no reaction.

its been so long i felt this way.
i didnt know or remembered how i handled it then.
my emotions, a roller coaster.
my thoughts, so distant.

laughter and smiles is all you see.
my heart cries silently.
the reason unknown to me, myself and i.
i fall again.

time to do something to myself.

homecoming..

please be friendly.
please give me a chance.
please be understanding.
please dont be a bitch.

please dont be late.
please dont get lost.
please bring everything.
please be calm.

a foreign number appeared on the cell. i answered, expecting to hear a familiar voice. "Nura?"
confused, i listened closely. she spoke and slowly a smile appeared on my face. my mouth spoke without thinking, asking stupid questions that i can get the answers on the website. cursing in my heart, i took down the details i need and thanked her. i put down the phone and instantly jumped for joy. i kept smiling from ear to ear. my heart's saying "thank god, finally."

i looked at her with tears in my eyes. even by looking just through her eyes, i can see everything. tired. battered. worried. sad. strong. after all the stories i heard, she's gone a long way. still going strong. im so proud of her. i can only offer my empathy. and i regret.

dear God, help her get through your obstacle in life.
for i know You love her.
guide her and shower her with Your strength.
she needs it God.

with that..

with the things that is happening around me.. i am glad.
i would want a man who takes care of me,
cherish me for who i am,
accept my flaws and all,
rescue me when im in trouble,
who wipes my tears away.
i would want my husband who loves me till the end,
understands my whole being,
leads me the right path in life,
show me guidance,
allow me to make my own choices,
rescues me from any trouble,
never let me or my children suffer,
and God is still the ultimate love.
because i would do the same to him.

its not enough

hmm.. in the end it doesnt matter.
utterly disappointed with you and myself.
where did all those promises go?
im still keeping mine.
even though we are far apart, you are never forgotten.

i dont understand.
maybe i dont want to.
or maybe i just got tired.

you say you dont, but you seem to have forgotten about me.

i say..

i say,

i dont allow myself to think about it...

i say,

i want to think for myself, about myself, of myself...

i say,

i miss Bintan...

i say,

i want to be in front of the camera... SNAP SNAP SNAP!

i say,

i want to feel love...

i say,

i want to jump with joy...

LOL

.want to be able to laugh like this again.

stupid ass!

guess what? i didnt send in my documents to NTU for my application, resulting in unnecessary stress to send them in as fast as possible when i heard news that Raymond got the interview for the new Sports Science and Management course. luckily he checked on me if i got the interview. im such a stupid ass lahh!!! lost valuable time which i cannot afford to lahh!! argh! i hope i hope they got my application and are processing them now and would text me for the interview.. please please.. Lord have mercy on me.. i want to go somewhere please!

damnit! means my Bachelor of Science also not processed!!!! ARGH!!

STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID!!

Bintan FUN!

HEY YA! IM BACK!!
I had an awesomeness time at Nirwana Gardens..
superb people, staff and AIR-CONDITIONING!!! ahahhaa!!
one word = SUPERB.

Day One.
09032009.
arrived excitedly, mesmerized by the beautiful sea view...
checked-in with Shafira to "Club 19" and change for water sports activities..
UNFORTUNATELY...
it started to POUR!!
so no water sports activities.. waited for the rain to stop and went for a quick tour around the island..
visited the gym, the mini zoo and did a few hands-on for land sports activities..
it was still FUN though!

Day Two.
100309.
trip to Spa and Golf course.
superb staff.
Spa was especially refreshing =D
the Golf Course was AWESOME!!
BEAUTIFUL VIEW. like seriously awesome!

Day Three.
110309.
WATER SPORTS!!!! hahah!
awesome day.
started with a morning swim..
the water is so damn clear!!!
you can see your feet like fucking clearly lahh!!
swam, breakfast and headed for briefing with the Indonesian instructor, Boy, who helped me fixed Khal's kite.
finally the goddamn thing can fly!! hahaha!!
went for snorkelling and learned how to surf and "boogey board"... hahaha!
had lunch and took a nap before my full body massage at the Spa.
AWESOME! =D

Day Four.
120309.
caught the sunrise.. well not really, haha.. cause the clouds were too thick.. damn..
slept till 1030.. while the rest went for the Elephant ride..
squeezed in a JET SKI RIDE!!
totally awesome!!
ahhh!! best feeling in the world!!
totally can ride a bike! =D
was late to check-out.. haha..
had lunch and checked in our bags at the ferry terminal.
slept during the ride back..
and HOME SWEET HOME!! =D



for MORE pictures, you can check out my facebook =D

toodles.

GDNIGHT BINTAN =(

HIATUS

Hi Earthlings!

i'll be on hiatus for a while..

will be away for a couple of days so do takecare of yourself okay!

stay tune for updates and pictures once i get back!

Ciaoz!!

14March2009 @ 9pm.

James Morrison feat Nelly Furtado
Broken Strings

Let me hold you
For the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can't feel anything

When I love you, It's so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking, It's the voice of someone else

Oh it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

Oh what are we doing
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train when it's too late

Oh it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell something that ain't real

Well the truth hurts,
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late (too late)

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I can´t tell you something that ain't real
Well truth hurts,
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again

is it?

Elvis Presley

I'll Remember You

I'll remember you

Long after this endless summer is gone

I'll be lonely oh so lonely

Living only to remember you

I'll remember too

Your voice as soft as the warm summer breeze

Your sweet laughter, mornings after

Ever after, ooooh, I'll remember you

To your arms someday

I'll return to stay

Till then..

I will remember too

Every bright star we made wishes upon

Love me always, promise always

Ooooh, you'll remember too

I'll remember you

Elvis Presley

What Now My Love

What now my love

Now that you left me

How can I live through another day

Watching my dreams turn into ashes

And all my hopes into bits of clay

Once I could see, once I could feel

Now I'm a numbI've become unreal

I walk the night, oh, without a goal

Stripped of my heart, my soul

What now my love

Now that it's over

I feel the world closing in on me

Here comes the stars

Tumbling around me

And there's the sky where the sea should be

What now my love

Now that you're gone

I'd be a fool to go on and on

No one would care, no one would cry

If I should live or die

What now my love

Now there is nothing

Only my last goodbye

Only my last goodbye

Elvis Presley

It's Over

If time were not a moving thing

And I could make it stay

This hour of love we share

Would always be

There'd be no coming day

To shine a morning light

And make us realize our night is over

When you walk away from me

There is no place to put my hand

Except to shade my eyes against the sun

That rises over the land

I watch you walk away

Somehow I have to let you go

Cause it's over

If you knew just how I really feel

You might return and yet

There are so many times

That people have to love and then forget

Oh there might have been a way somehow

I have to force myself to say

It's over

So I turn my back

Turn my collar to the wind

Move along in silence

Trying not to think at all

I set my feet before me

Walk the silent street before me

Now it's over

If time were not a moving thing

And I could make you stay

This hour of love we share

Would always be

There'd be no coming day

To shine a morning light

And make us realize our night is over
It's over

heels!!

i finally got them!
im so darn happy!
i kept smiling like a kid getting candy when i paid for it!
hee!