life's a bitch

its good to be back. i miss your presence. really.. i'll see you tomorrow, mama.

it dawned on me that im so fucking isolated from my family when my dad said "it seemed as if you are not enthusiastic about this". he's right actually. i am isolated from my family. even my extended family. though now my family has grown and the newcomers are the nicer one talking to me.. maybe want to create good impression so i'd like them and they wont feel outcast in the family.. hahah!! merepek! ughh.. come to think of it, i miss Kak Aliss.. another June baby. she likes purple! how cool lahh!! hehe.. Kak Uda and Kak Aliss are the only people i feel comfortable with in my family. oh, and my uncle too. maybe because both of us are into sports, he's a soccer coach taking degree in SportsManagement (he encourage me to take it up in Australia, if only i have the money lahh Wak).. he will always sit down and talk to me about how im doing in school and share he's difficulty studying and meeting datelines for projects.. hahah.. he's cool.. too bad my grandfather passed. he's also another person im comfortable and loveeeeeeeeeeeeeee soooooooo bloody much.. shit im tearing.. i miss him.

i guess i grew up with a different mindset compared to my siblings. i love them, but i prioritise other things such as school and friends more than them. mainly because i know they will always be there and that i can count on them.. its weird i know. but this is how i work. i dont expect you to understand, i just need you to know. as if you read my blog. hah.

i miss talking to my dad. im so hostile to everybody. i dont let them near me. because i will hurt them. i tried being as close to my sisters, but i can only see them far. taking care of them without getting close to them, getit? i dont think so. really i miss my dad. i dislike him for my own reasons but i love him. i do. i just cannot forget it. i just cant. i cant. and it will always be with me and be a reminder for because i know, i know i will be like him. and im scared. im bloody scared. i love my boyfriend. i love him. i dont want to do anything that will hurt him. i dont. im scared. im really scared.

this is what you get, this is all i've got.